Thoughts on our third little one

Still no change today and bleeding just as much. I am just waiting this out. I did go in today (it seemed kinda pointless) to get my blood tested to see if the hormone levels were going up or down. To me it's obvious they are going to be going down. I am a good girl though and do as the doctor orders. I have another Doctor's appointment on Thursday. Physically I just feel really tired and drained. But I am feeling at peace with it all.

Thank you all for prayers and responses. I know I have not replied but your notes and calls are encouraging and hearfelt. I would rather just reply and give an update through my blog (which most everybody seems to read amazingly).
I'm not mad at all, just sad and disappointed. Because, really, why NOT me? Almost everyone I know that has been trying to have kids has had a miscarriage or other struggles in the last year. I have already been blessed twice. God knows what He is doing and is taking great care of this little one as He takes joy over each life that is made. He numbers our days and whether we are here weeks or years, He cherishes each one. Most of the time I am doing pretty good, and then I can get caught off guard. I pray a lot. I'm not asking God to do anything though. It's more that I just need God's companionship and assurance through the day that He knows and as taking care of everything. I feel very loved in the midst of feeling grief. The sadness has caught me off guard because I only knew I was pregnant for about two weeks, but it's still so real and consuming sometimes. I think because the thought of this baby wasn't just an idea...it was there. A real life with lots of promise. I just miss the baby. How can you miss someone terribly that you never have met? BUT...I do know that I will meet this little one again someday and life is never really snuffed and gone. I truly think that anyone who gets to grow up in heaven has got to be doing better than the rest of us here with all the sadness and terrible things that happen in our world. Life is beautiful here too, but I think it's most beautiful when we have the perspective of the eternal and something greater in mind. This world is not the whole of it. And God is very much here and with me each moment of the day.

Miscarriage

Before we really got to tell anyone our happy news, we now have sad news. Yesterday I miscarried our third baby. I hadn't told anyone because I was going to tell our family on Friday when we got to my brother's house in Washington DC for our family vacation. The kids were going to wear little shirts sharing the good news.
We found out right after our cruise and I should be about six weeks now. But yesterday I started bleeding a lot and when I went to the ER, they found that the pregnancy hormone levels were lower than it should be and during the ultrasound, they were unable to find a yolk sack and fetal pole which should be there by now. Meaning, I lost it.
I am sad, but doing OK. I am wishing that I would get to see him, find out his personality, rock him and snuggle him, but I know he is with my Father and that is much better. I just feel really sad. I also had begun to really want this one. When we first found out, I was kinda mad and in shock. I had always wanted a third (Tone didn't), but not NOW. I knew from charting that there was a slim chance of being pregnant, but the odds were VERY much against me, so I didn't think much about it, but then when I no period came, I tested and there it was! Last week I was finally getting excited and it was becoming beautiful, wonderful news and I was starting to make plans.

I had this nagging feeling all along that for some reason, it wasn't going to make it. I didn't have this with the other two. I think it is because I knew it was my chance for a third which probably won't come again. So if I lose it, that's it, I thought.

Anyways, I'm depressed today, but Tone has been great. I was really sick with the flu (so was Ainsley) on Friday, and Tone came home and dealt with all the kids, ran the laundry, picked up the house, etc. Then yesterday I was in the ER all day and he did it all again. This morning I didn't feel so great, so he got the kids up and ready until I was ready to emerge from the bedroom. What a great guy.

Crazy

My little girl is getting crazy. She is climbing up on everything she possibly can now. Hunter was not too thrilled about her climbing up on this while he was trying to play.

She's trying to grab the camera out of my hand and trying really hard. Notice the graham cracker residue around her mouth. Charming.
Reaching high for just the right magnet.

The little dirt baby next to our tomatoes and cantalope plants. She's eating it and loving it.
Too bad these sunglasses lasted only 2.2 seconds.
Hunter thought the best birthday gift for Daddy would be a water gun. So that's what he got Daddy. Notice Hunter has the little $1.00 gun. Guess who won this water war?
Ainsley in her little clogs. I got these for the summer so she wouldn't tear up her good shoes outside. I had to go to the newborn section of the store since her foot size is still three months - and these are still too big, but the smallest they had. Her clothes are also still three to six months.

Crazy girl loves to climb. She also loves to dive head-first off which isn't so safe.
What's down there?
whee! This couch is so fun!
I'm catching her as she dives head-first off the couch! Ainsley is growing to have alarming bravery.

Another strange thing about her. She has thrown up the last couple of days, so she must be sick, but she sure doesn't act like it. The first time, I went to check on her late at night and there was throw-up all over her crib, down the side and on the floor. But I hadn't her a peep out of her. I was beating myself up for being a bad mommy and not getting to her when it happened. I moved her next to my bed into the playpen for the night. She was absolutely happy and content during the move. I heard her start to throw up a couple more times during the night, and each time she didn't cry and had a perfectly content look on her face. She threw up twice today and it didn't faze her either. Odd. I am no longer beating myself up for missing her first sickness. She apparently is not that fazed by it. What kind of weird baby violently throws up and then sticks her thumb in her mouth and smiles? "It was nothing Mom."
Obviously she is not that sick because these pictures of her diving off the couch and fooling around are when she was supposedly "sick."

Also, our washer broke so I am digging deep into the recesses of drawers to come with wearable clothes until Tone can fix it tomorrow. (He bought the part, and my husband buys nothing new that can't be fixed). This dress was a nine month dress. She's eleven months, and the diaper cover comes down to her knees, and the dress looks like a potato sack.

Another thought I have been having lately:

A lot of the popular parenting books I have been reading have implied that if you just follow their method, your child will grow up a well-adjusted, happy, perfect, little God-follower. Maybe. But it gets a little annoying. And while I think that many of the methods are great and will probably produce great kids, can you really put a guarentee on that? Are we just playing off of parent's phobias to guarantee that? I've seen too many great Christian parents produce kids who are not currently following God. And if so....since God is supposedly our example as the best parent, then according to these books, He messed up somewhere. A lot of the methods that are Biblical still may not have the desired result. The common theme through the Old Testament is the Israelites falling away and God grieving. As of today's date, most of Israel still doesn't accept Jesus as the Savior. So...in this case....is God a bad "Christian parent"? I think you catch the irony.

Messes

I have had a lot of fun with the kids since being back. Here are some pictures of some of the things that we have been up to. They have had a bad cold, so we have been entertaining ourselves at home, and you can see that we have had a lot of fun even though we have been stuck at our house.

Ainsley is playing in the sandbox. I did not know that babies had so many places on their bodies to collect sand. She loved it though. She tried to eat some, but that was no fun, so she quit eating it and just played.

Just Kidding! This is empty, but she didn't want her drink. She wanted mine. I let her have the can when I was done, and she just had to make sure there wasn't any more before she could be content with her own water bottle.

Just water. A little disappointing.
Pretending to be thoughtful.
We got Hunter some pirate paraphenalia when we were on our cruise and he loves dressing up as a pirate. He hates the earring though, and this is the only time he has worn it.

The sword and the eye patch are hands-down his favorite.

I decided to do some much needed weeding from our week of being gone. Our yard was almost overgrown. I put the kids in the shade in the kiddie pool, but Ainsley kept escaping to come "help" me play in the dirt. She was covered in dirt, but having fun.
Then I gave them Otter pops. Sissy devoured all of hers and screamed for more. Hunter can barely finish one. Sometimes, he just eats half.
Her belly and arms were stained orange for a couple of days.
I didn't want her swimsuit stained from the otter pop so I stripped her down. But she decided that it was more fun out of the pool. She kept escaping. She keeps making a beeline for the slide which she climbs up and sits on. I can't keep her off of it. (See my former blog to see a video on how she goes down it head first). She's quite dangerous on it, because she has no fear of it (even though she's fallen hard off of it half a dozen times).
Hunter found a lady bug and enjoyed it for a long time before it flew away.

Hunter is mowing the lawn too. He loves to help Daddy mow.
Yes, she can be a charmer when she wants to.
I think she is trying to charm me into giving her food which she eats like a champ.

Aisnley looking smart. She figured out how to match the animals on the magnetic puzzle and make them sing.
Look at those rubbery stick legs.

Getting into her drawers. She pulled out all of her bibs, and was putting as many as she could on her head for fun.

It's a pretty funny game.

Hunter is making sure Ainsley smells decent enough to be called clean and get out.
Hunter is bug collecting. He has his cage, plastic hammer, magnifying glass and plastic sword. He informed me these were the tools he needed to catch bugs. I am not sure what the hammer and sword are for, but apparently bugs are scary, and maybe some protection is needed.

We found one dead beetle and lots of slugs, which he is proudly showing off. I don't think that technically they are bugs, but it was hot out, I was done searching, and I let it count.

Then he brought them in the house. Notice the lid is not secure. I quickly made sure he knew to NOT open this up again!

His new pals, the slugs, are keeping him company while he colors in his room. They have actually gone with him to everyroom in the house that he visits.

Ainsley has had her nose wiped so many times this week that she is learning to do it herself. I took a video of it to share with you. I thought it was funny.

Our cruise

Leaving Miami for a week of fun! And we had a great time with Wyatt and Adrienne. We went to the Bahamas, St. Thomas and St. Maarten. At the Bahamas, we skipped all the people waiting for us at the dock, found a local who told us that the bus went to a great beach for $1.00 and we took the bus to a fantastic beach at a hotel resort. We had to sneak into it around the side, but we had a great morning laying out there and swimming. At St. Thomas, we shopped all morning, got some free jewelry, bought a new camera, and then found a beach to do some snorkeling all afternoon. At St. Maarten, we joined a tour that let you drive your little boat out around the island and snorkel at a wildlife preserve. Some of the fish were really cool. We swam right with them. Then we went to the beach that was right next to airport to watch the airplanes land right over our heads! Literally! Of course my husband knew about this and had to insist we go.

Enjoying our dining room at dinner.

Perfect Beaches! The beach at St. Thomas.
All dressed up for dinner.
We're off to go snorkeling! We discovered that what you could get away with in another country, you could not get away with in the United States. On this boat Tone got shocked a few times before we discovered that the batterey cord wasn't connected and was laying down in the water. Nice and safe. But the ride out to snorkeling was fun and we really enjoyed swimming with the fishies!

The airport at St. Maarten. I am in the white dress and the airplane is just 50 to 75 feet over my head landing on the other side of the road.

Watch out for airplanes. Read the sign. It's pretty awesome.

Formal night.
I just like this picture.

The four happy cruisers. Shopping in St. Thomas.

First formal night and sunset. It's a little blurry!
My dress matches the dining room.

last night on our cruise.