Feb 3, 2010

But I didn't want to join the club.....

I gotta be honest. This parenting road is a roller coaster. There are days when I want to pull my hair out when I deal with a five year old and a two year old and I often take parenting for granted. In fact, this last week, it's been even harder to be patient and kind when you are trying to talk to doctors and two kids are fighting loudly in the background. I felt as if I was slapped in the face when I was forced to reevaluate the gift of parenthood and children this week. When faced with news of something very wrong with your child, it's a foreign place. I feel like I joined a club I didn't want to join, but I know that there is a lesson for me to learn and live for others through this whole thing. I mean who really wants to join the club that makes you feel like you are living your own Discovery Health Channel special?

The genetic specialist called today and said that while she knew we didn't want to "terminate", her superiors where making her call and find out before she set up all the appointments for us for doctors and specialists. She apologized, and she was sure what our answer would be. It almost made me think that the committee that approves all of our specialists outside of our insurance group was making sure that they really had to spend the money. But I saw our baby girl suck her fist, yawn, and I feel her wriggle and kick, and I can't imagine...the thought is horrifying.

I do feel really at peace right now. I just have a knowing that our daughter is going to be fine through all of this. In no way do I take for granted my two beautiful healthy children we have already been given, and in no way, do I take for granted the gift of one more precious daughter.
In many ways, I feel that God has been prepping my heart for this for some time now. I have watched and grieved with various friends as they deal with the death of a child, infertility, and the heartache of a wayward child, and I do not take for granted the fact that He has given me much already. I am no more deserving that anyone else.

One night over the summer I had a dream that my children were killed in a car accident, and there was nothing I could do but watch. I woke up in sheer panic and terror. It was so vivid and real. I had never had a dream like that before.
I laid awake praying, "God don't ever take my children."
And I felt the question, "But what if I do?"
Then I prayed, "Then don't let them feel pain."
And I felt the question, "But what if I do?"
I laid there begging Him, and the panic did not subside, because I knew God was not promising me that.
Finally, I felt the question, "Would you still trust Me?"
And for a few minutes I wasn't sure what my answer would be.
Finally, I decided that I couldn't say anything but "yes", knowing that God cared for them more than I ever could, and He would take care of them, comfort them, and heal them when I cannot.
Immediately peace washed over me, and I have never felt that kind of fear again. A clear picture came into my mind of a strong hand closed over mine and I fell right to sleep. I have no doubt that this one way God was prepping me for what was to come. It is still so clear in mind and left such a strong impression.

And I know that when I come to God with an open hand holding out my most precious possessions, then I am at peace.

Easily said right? But I find that I still am on a roller coaster which bounces between feeling abundant love and feeling exasperation. Maybe it's because I'm the mom of two small children, I don't know, but the FEELING of being blessed at all times doesn't really last in my day to day moments. One moment, I think Ainsley is adorable because she just said THE cutest thing, and five minutes later I'm trying to control my voice and exasperation because I discovered she stole markers from the craft shelf and has been making a colorful rainbow all over her belly.
And when the whole day is full of these ups and downs, the house is getting destroyed faster than I can clean it up, and the sink is still full of dishes, I get to end and don't know whether to laugh or cry. I just fall into bed exhausted! So while the feeling may not always last, I want the underlying current to be a knowing of being blessed. No matter what. No matter what kind of day I had. These moments are fleeting and I am determined to enjoy every second of them. I find myself constantly reminding myself of this, and fighting against discontent. When I stop and really look at their precious faces, I am quickly jolted into the reality of what a gift I have been given. Oh the eternal struggle!

1 comment:

  1. Sending Love and prayers for you and Tone. As believers we may never know the why, but we do know and trust the who.I have joined one of those clubs myself. God is good, He loves us more than we can imagine,
    Love you,
    Binky

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